HUSBANDS TAKE ON MARRIAGE

Alfred

I thought marriage meant I’d get mad pussy, constant attention and unlimited love. lets just say I got neither of that.

M

If you love yourself don’t get married.  She eventually starts seeing you as a moving ATM. The kids want that, the house needs a maid coz I need time, money this , money that and yet she doesn’t make a dime herself.

Sam

It added twenty pounds, It seats all day eating and eating. Its like being married to a truck. I swear if it wasn’t for the kids I’d leave without looking back.

Tim

I love my wife, she’s amazing and a good mother to my kids. I honestly have never regretted my marriage for even a minute.

K

Sex is nonexistent and whining has become the order of the day. Its like I have three kids instead of two.

Sad Man

She annoys me all the time. I can’t stand being in her presence. I am planning to get a divorce soon.

H

She asked me when having sex ‘after you finish can you please switch the bulb in the main bathroom?

Old Man

I’ve been married for thirty years and to be honest I have regretted it for 28 of those years, lets just say marriage is for idiots.

Young and frustrated

Right now shes in the bathroom crying and won’t talk to me. I don’t know what I’ve done but I know whatever stupid thing she did will end up being my fault anyway.

Engaged

Your making me rethink my wedding plans.

Tired ASF

She’s a good mum, good cook and terrible wife. All she does is milk me for money and recommend over priced schools for our kids. Am up to my neck in debt, work two jobs, while all she does is seat home drinking wine with her friends I swear, I need a new wife at least one who will put out once in a while to relieve this stress.

Honest Monster

Having a wife is like living with a tiger. You never know when she’ll turn around and decide to kill you.

 

 

 

 

Life After Rape

There days like today I wish that could wake up with amnesia , forget the past 24hrs. Everytime I shut my eyes I remember slithering under his and hands and wondering how I had gotten myself into this situation in the first place. My head buried under his pit and my face fully shattered .  I fought and fought hard to the point of almost going limp. His stubby hands glowering on my tiny breasts and squeezing a little too hard for comfort. I screamt in pain and he insisted on going on with the assault. When I felt I couldn’t escape I bit him hard that’s when I managed to escape my sexual assaulter.

‘why did, you bite me?” he kept asking in a rather stupid voice and I was silent insisting on finding my lipstick ksh 2200 nouba. ‘I’ll send it to you once I find it’ he said and I knew that was never going to happen so I grabbed my bag and shoes. On the background I’d hear him calling ‘Judy’ who had called him earlier and claimed she call him once she arrived. I don’t know If he was calling her to spite me or because he needed an easy lay but I felt like telling her to run for the hills your with the wrong type of guy. The act did not evoke any emotion out  of me apart from spite. I remember thinking how stupid can he be. He almost rapped me, he’s  physically assaulted me in broad daylight and now he thinks I would give a damn about him being with another woman?

I remember calling my boyfriend to pick me up on the deserted stage  once I’d walked and walked in an endless circle trying to compose myself after my assault. I was in tears when he arrived because I kept remembering during my vaginismus  stage my boyfriend literally lost his erection because he was scared he’d cause me too much pain and yet after I screamed and shouted this asshole wouldn’t get the picture. I felt like a fool. Every time I tried to reason with myself I remembered screaming and no one would help me. The neighbors house which was filled with guests could not hear me over the loud music he’d kept to apparently set the mood.

I fought hard to try and explain to myself why but in the long run I found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. I could go report him to the authorities because my father will need to be involved and my boyfriend would be the best lawyer money can buy in this situation.I couldn’t bare the idea of any of them looking at me differently or the hurt on their faces that someone had disrespected someone they love.  I sat down for hours wondering how I’ll bring out the topic and start narrating  what happened but opted to shut up.

Every minute up to this hour I wonder why I just didn’t rent out an airbnb, why I stupidly decided to go to his place , why I spent my money on an overpriced meal and bought him overpriced liquor that he probably didn’t need. I regret doing good thing to people who didn’t deserve it, he clearly didn’t.

Am still debating on the action to take. As I write this I have a serious out pour of emotions my boyfriend has just asked me for the millionth time if am okay. He keeps pacing left to right and hovering around me probably thinks its his fault. He hasn’t gone to work today because ‘he’s worried’. I haven’t spoken more than two words since it happened yesterday. Am just glad I wasn’t rapped but inside am still shaken up lets hope the next thirteen reasons why or sugar won’t be about me.

 

I Cheated with a serial cheat

There things that bring in those dark secret desires, at times its loneliness and at times just the strange feeling that someone gets you. It started out funny a straight out of the movie tale. We were on the same line in the departures section in the airport, The line had stopped for some peculiar reason and getting in was a whole lot harder than usual on this particular day. As the sluggish movement continued I got tired and began making sounds ‘your pretty tired huh,” he asked and the rest well I wish I could say was history but sadly it ain’t.

Long story short I got his number but I being the number one advocate for faithfulness intended to keep and never call. I gambled on my three hour flight on weather to call or not, spent an unrealistic amount of time just thinking about my beautiful stranger and what to do with the number.

On arrival I saw the text that started a whole string of emotional cheating. It felt like we were in sync, I don’t know how to describe it but the texts felt natural to me. I connected with him like no other. It was magic for me, a sick addiction that I hopped to never get cured from. I loved him before I met him.

Its insane because he was the kind of guy that would do amazingly sweet things that I craved for.  Text me long hours in the morning and wish me a great day. Take crazy videos when doing dum stuff or simply compliment my horrible hair when it looks like shit. Basically all the corny nonsense my very sensible boyfriend wouldn’t do he did.

I guess that’s why I melted so fast and before I could register what was going on I was in a hotel room with him, hands down and naked doing things that would put perverts to shame. Giving my all to someone I had only met once. In that crazy duration I managed to get a hold of his phone only to find out am not the only one.

He’s smooth from what I gathered on those messages, the best type of  prey that knows the right words to say before going for the kill. One of this many women had gone as far as to put him on her profile picture. I felt like a complete dimwit and sadly knowing all this about him only made me want him more.

I know am an idiot and being a CEO of my own semi successful company I should not need gratification from a man but sadly I do.  I  just feel a constant urge to prove to him that am worthy of him so I seek him out even when he’s clearly avoiding me. I crave for him all the time a sure reason that am insane. I’d literally stop time for him if I could. I guess for the first time in my life I understand Bruno Mars’s Grenade.

My Shameless Affair with Artcaffe

 

I hate the fact that am constantly cheating on my one true love . It started out as a strange friendship of sorts, my love Java Coffee house, always seemed to be quite busy and occupied and I thought maybe I should get a new friend just to avoid crowding up Java’s space. So yeah I had my first ever vanilla latte and became a sucker for this smooth textured beverage. So marked the beginning of my affair. Its hard to explain my self Java, so I’ll put it in Neyo’s because of you words  Want to, but I can’t help it, I love the way it feels. It’s got me stuck between my fantasy and what is real. I need it when I want it, I want it when I don’t. Tell myself I’ll stop everyday, knowing’ that I won’t. I got a problem and I don’t know what to do about it,Even if I did, I don’t know if I would quit but I doubt it. I’m taken by the thought of it, and I know this much is true
Artcaffe, you have become my addiction, I’m so strung out on you I can barely move but I like it.

So I guess I got a problem, I love your arabica but I guess I have wandering eyes because lately vanilla has become my drug of choice. I know am probably making stupid excuses and it doesn’t excuse my cheating but I want you to know its not you , its definitely me. I think we should probably seek counseling. Change is inevitable, you don’t have to do what you don’t want to do but for us to be together you need to change. I know 10 years is a long time so we need to spice up our relationship bring something new to the table. I think if you don’t change I’ll have to leave you for artcaffe or Dormans just saying I have options. So dear Java think about this during our couples counselling session.

LOVE DON’T LOVE ME

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They say you can never love equally and I guess the real meaning didn’t sink in up until recently. My life has been a constant battle with feelings, drugs and sexual frustration. I always thought love is equal and probably the same, If you asked me a few months ago, what is love?  I’d tell you love is the feeling that you cannot live or survive without someone. Some say love is patient and kind, does pick, it does not hate, hurt and its everlasting and pure. So am I a freak when I say my love is the opposite of all this.

Ever since I was a little girl I knew there was something wrong with me. I enjoyed hurting others, it made feel worthy. My battles with self-esteem physical vanity and spiritual confusions resulted in constant hurt based relationships with an overflow of my insecurities. So I guess that’s why am in this hateful relationship now.

Am addicted to my boyfriend if addiction is the best word for it. We have what most would call a volatile self-destructive relationship. The best way to put it is loving him is like driving a fully loaded car at full speed down the hill with a cliff over it. You just know you’ll crush and burn eventually but the feeling is so good you just don’t know how to stop yourself.

Its crazy how things begin calmly, timelessly they grow into things that can’t be excused, an endless web of pain and deception. Statistics state half the women in abusive relationships think it’s their fault. I guess am one of them.  Despite the constant triggers, the regular shouting and the writings on the wall that this relationship is not headed in the directions normal relationship take am still here. Perhaps the proximity of danger turns me on and the writing on the wall that states this is probably not the kind of life I should be living doesn’t register in my little brain. I know I feed of the abuse and to some extent I enjoy getting hurt and so does he. Its messed up and too be honest am not sure if I’ll walk away once the situation turns physical. All I know is am way in too deep, I guess it’s true what they say at times love really does feel like a heart attack. Constant dread of the future and what it has in store for me and him. Its like were seated on a bomb with a ticking timer waiting for when it will eventually blow and put us out of our misery. Maybe then the constant fear and anxiety will blow over and eventually all will be normal and peaceful like how things would have been had I never met him.

My biggest regret in life meeting him on that crazy morning I went to take my sister to school and my biggest fear is losing him all together. I know am crazily invested, obsessed some might say but I literally cannot live without him. It’s safe to say my heads under water but I don’t miss the air.

Am not sure how this love of mine will turn out , perhaps in five or so years will have two point five kids and a dog or will be well relaxed in our coffins. Am willing to take the risk at the end of the day just like Adele states sometimes you win in love but sometimes it hurts instead. I guess you know were I fall on that statement.

 

Hustles of a Kenyan intern

Misgivings and work

So I wake up at 6 am every morning only to seat in traffic for roughly two to two and a half hours. I always try and not complain even when things seem to be too rough but at times situations that best your patience occur. So should I explode and say I’ve had enough or should I let life drag me into turmoil of poor and bad decisions? So maybe I should scream to my boss to pay me more but do I really have time to spend the money? I don’t think so. I should probably tell my workmates to be kinder but how does that help my life. So should I really go on with the lists of what I should do and how they’ll end up flanking in my face? Probably not.

Maybe is the answer I have to this current predicament, Maybe it’s all for nothing or just maybe it has some reward. I guess what really matters is at the end of the day: I get to eat what I love and I get to seat my tired body every day on my couch and watch my favorite TV series every night over a bowl of ice-cream or yoghurt while talking to my loved ones. So in that regard am privileged.

So maybe more blessings are to come or maybe I’ll struggle for life but if at the end of the day I get that one or two hours to do what I like then I can comfortably say I get a reason to look forward to the next day with optiminisim.

I’ve Loved and I’ve lost

When I first laid my eyes on her I knew I was in trouble. It was love at first sight what can I say I was in awe completely smitten by those big brown round eyes. I couldn’t help myself I was desperate and needy and on top of things crazy in love. Maybe her love for me did not develop right away but eventually I could tell she felt the same way from the way she looked at me after a while.

Life’s crazy you know and so was our relationship. Bumpy at times and at times we played in the sun as the sun glimmered on her big brownish blond hair.  I’d yell  at her sometimes  what can I say she drove me crazy.She in turn would cower, run and hide but at the end of the day I knew I would count on her. We always made up mostly from her compromising and acting like the bigger man.

So when she died I guess you can understand why I lost myself. I was heartbroken and on top of things completely lost. I took her for granted, all those times she ran to me when arrived from work battered and tired. For all those times she stood by me when no one could, and how did I repay her I abandoned her when she needed me the most. I knew something was wrong with her that week but I never took the time to find out what. I never bothered to find out what allied her, I just assumed she would be okay after all she always bounced back.

I guess this time she was on her ninth life, there was no bouncing back. My little puppy had finally gone to a better place and for sure if Dog heaven existed I guess she;s looking down on me. So that’s how I lost the love of my life and to be honest I don’t think I’ll be bouncing back soon.

Someone once told me we keep pets for love and cows for milk. I get the logic now. Am cut raw and let bleeding. I know guilt is just a phase in grief. We always feel like we could have done something but at the end of the day everything that has a begging comes to an end. Its just hard accepting that.

So at the end of the day I want you to Know if you had a twin which you probably did I would still pick you. Living without you will be difficult but I’ll carry you in my heart until we meet again.

RIP POPPY 2004-201668a9c682a1043aed524982623bc7772a

Take Rwanda

They say you never miss a good thing till its gone. I guess am a true living example of that. Malawi was my obsession for the longest time in my life. I’d dreamed to walk on the beaches and explore the land of little people.

Heres a simple guide through Rwanda and Malawi.

1. Book Rwand Air

Go to www.traveladvisor.com choose the category written cheap flights. Choose rwandair flight options.

2. Airbnb

Go to www.airbnb.com and choose a room to your liking

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Sample funished house courtesy of www.airbnb.com

3. Book sites with an agent.

I’d recommend www.bonfireadventures.co.ke

How to lie to men your beautiful

If there’s something every woman likes is to be recognized as, its beautiful. Believe me when I say the worst thing you can do to a woman or basically anyone is call them ugly. I bet only reason  your here is because the tittle made you think this article is more interesting than it really is, so lets get down to the  tips on how to lie to men your beautiful.

  1. Makeup is a girls best friend 

I know One Direction and the endless array of boy-bands that have emphasized on beauty existing without makeup but, I like to believe that is an urban myth. So forget Alicia Keys and her crazy no makeup movement and be a cut above the rest. Contour and highlight your face daily if possible and once in a while tune things up to keep things interesting. Statistics prove that girls without makeup as at best considered cute  so unless your Selma Hayek ensure you pound your face up two to three times a day.

 

 

2. Waist Train all the way

When you look  in the mirror and see that extra mass that you detest don’t run to the gym and eat leaves, invest in a waist trainer. There’s a lot that comes with the illusion of being fit starting with motivation to get fit. Its hard trying to feel fit when results come after four weeks. A waist trainer on the other hand gives overnight transformations which in all total honesty are my favorite kind. So the next time you want to look sexy wrap the damn thing around your waist wear your favorite body-con and go out there and find yourself your dream man who has no clue what truly lies underneath.

 

3. Lace front wigs and clip in hair pieces

I wouldn’t advise anyone to be seen in public without masses of long luscious hair.  The best if not the most advisable way to impress men is to have what others  don’t have. If you don’t have it who says you are not allowed to fake it. So when you need a little self esteem boost or you need to be appreciated more go down to www.aliexpress.com and invest in hair. Get that lovely sixteen inch Mongolian hair or 26′ lace wig and trust me you’ll have a number of vain men after you.

 

 

4. Fake personality

No one likes a bitch and if your as vain as I am there’s a 90% chance that you are one. So best way to look attractive is have a good personality and go for the minimalist dress code. So if your inner bitch tries to get out tame it. at the end of the day the only thing that matters is truly how beautiful you are on the inside. So fake inner beauty all the way.