The Day I attempted suicide

They say you never miss a good thing till its gone. I guess am a true example of that saying  I never appreciated the life I had until I almost lost it.

All my friends believe it was a X that drove me to it but in all total honesty it was probably them that caused it. Not to sound all thirteen reasons why but genuinely they probably would have done something to prevent it.

X is the love of my life, literally I would take a bullet for him, Your probably wondering why am saying this given I have a countless array of sugar daddies at my beck and call. Am saying this because its the truth I value my relationship  with him more than anything. So they day he decided to end things, I was shattered mostly because I knew it was my fault.

M, was the cause of all my grief. They say in newtons laws of motion a collision

For every force there is a reaction force that is equal in size, but opposite in direction. That is to say that whenever an object pushes another object it gets pushed back in the opposite direction equally hard. I guess I pushed her and she in turn pushed back harder. The collision only ended up hurting me because she was the stronger force at hand.

To understand this I would have to start from the beginning. Here is an excerpt from my online journal that I wrote to her after my suicide attempt. I did not give to her mostly because it didn’t matter anymore I’d pieced my life back and was never going to turn back.

13 reasons why, clay jensen, and quote image

Dear M

You were always part of my inner circle up until you became a loud mouth and spread things about someone I cared about. You for one knew the one thing that I hate the most is dealing with people who hurt other people. So when I confronted you about it you sidelined me started hanging out with other people and chose to ignore me. I thought you’d  end things there like I did you but  you were planing on sneaking up on me and truly hurt me when I had all my amour down. I confided with you about my exploits and crazy dates. Showed you a tone of my pictures and even on occasion went out with you, my mistake. I trusted you a little too much. I should have known better because you were the first to send me to the wolves when the time stoke. I genuinely loved you as a friend maybe even more than that but you betrayed me. Sold out all my secrets and embarrassed me. You hurt me, ruined me and destroyed the one thing that I ever loved beyond you. I do believe in Karma and that’s the only reason I choose to forgive you because one day, you’ll realize the full impact of your actions.

I

depression, sad, and suicidal imageI remember going to class that morning thinking all was fine. Actually, looking forward to having a better day only to be welcomed by pity stares and mummers. I wish I had ignored everyone that day. What I would give to God to take me back and stop me from waking up  that morning. When I found out I kept quiet and waited for the worst to fall over. X tried talking to me but I ignored him because I knew he would break up with me and spoiler alert he did.

In a rush of insanity I went home initially I planned to calm myself down, maybe go for a jog and get out of school for a while but my mum had other things in mind. She literally sent me to my room for skipping school. I felt alone frustrated and desperate. My mind kept rotating and I let the desperation get the best of me. Without thinking twice I took a razor blade and slush my left wrist something I regret to this very day. It was a rushed decision and a stupid one at that but at that time it felt right. For a minute I was glad, all my problems were over. I was finally free, all those basic bitches like M could continue living their pathetic lives without me as an object of torture. Then sense rushed back and I realized all I had ahead. I was fourteen for Christ sake, my problems were temporally at best. So I screamed.

“Lucy!!!!” I could hear my sister but only for a brief second before I passed out.

I remember waking up at the hospital my family and even X were there looking at me. No one spoke and I don’t blame them. I understood them a little too well. What do you say to a girl who has just tried to commit suicide ‘Thank God your alive’ when your not sure if she’s even glad to be. They choose to remain quiet but the silence spoke volumes.

At times people make stupid decisions based on the rush of the moment. I for one had no real intention of killing myself but at that very moment I wanted to die. I felt so frustrated and alone to the extent of thinking only death would solve my problems. So if you ever feel like your drowning talk to  someone at times it may just save your life.

shawn mendes, suicide, and shawn image

 

 

Life After Rape

There days like today I wish that could wake up with amnesia , forget the past 24hrs. Everytime I shut my eyes I remember slithering under his and hands and wondering how I had gotten myself into this situation in the first place. My head buried under his pit and my face fully shattered .  I fought and fought hard to the point of almost going limp. His stubby hands glowering on my tiny breasts and squeezing a little too hard for comfort. I screamt in pain and he insisted on going on with the assault. When I felt I couldn’t escape I bit him hard that’s when I managed to escape my sexual assaulter.

‘why did, you bite me?” he kept asking in a rather stupid voice and I was silent insisting on finding my lipstick ksh 2200 nouba. ‘I’ll send it to you once I find it’ he said and I knew that was never going to happen so I grabbed my bag and shoes. On the background I’d hear him calling ‘Judy’ who had called him earlier and claimed she call him once she arrived. I don’t know If he was calling her to spite me or because he needed an easy lay but I felt like telling her to run for the hills your with the wrong type of guy. The act did not evoke any emotion out  of me apart from spite. I remember thinking how stupid can he be. He almost rapped me, he’s  physically assaulted me in broad daylight and now he thinks I would give a damn about him being with another woman?

I remember calling my boyfriend to pick me up on the deserted stage  once I’d walked and walked in an endless circle trying to compose myself after my assault. I was in tears when he arrived because I kept remembering during my vaginismus  stage my boyfriend literally lost his erection because he was scared he’d cause me too much pain and yet after I screamed and shouted this asshole wouldn’t get the picture. I felt like a fool. Every time I tried to reason with myself I remembered screaming and no one would help me. The neighbors house which was filled with guests could not hear me over the loud music he’d kept to apparently set the mood.

I fought hard to try and explain to myself why but in the long run I found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. I could go report him to the authorities because my father will need to be involved and my boyfriend would be the best lawyer money can buy in this situation.I couldn’t bare the idea of any of them looking at me differently or the hurt on their faces that someone had disrespected someone they love.  I sat down for hours wondering how I’ll bring out the topic and start narrating  what happened but opted to shut up.

Every minute up to this hour I wonder why I just didn’t rent out an airbnb, why I stupidly decided to go to his place , why I spent my money on an overpriced meal and bought him overpriced liquor that he probably didn’t need. I regret doing good thing to people who didn’t deserve it, he clearly didn’t.

Am still debating on the action to take. As I write this I have a serious out pour of emotions my boyfriend has just asked me for the millionth time if am okay. He keeps pacing left to right and hovering around me probably thinks its his fault. He hasn’t gone to work today because ‘he’s worried’. I haven’t spoken more than two words since it happened yesterday. Am just glad I wasn’t rapped but inside am still shaken up lets hope the next thirteen reasons why or sugar won’t be about me.

 

I Cheated with a serial cheat

There things that bring in those dark secret desires, at times its loneliness and at times just the strange feeling that someone gets you. It started out funny a straight out of the movie tale. We were on the same line in the departures section in the airport, The line had stopped for some peculiar reason and getting in was a whole lot harder than usual on this particular day. As the sluggish movement continued I got tired and began making sounds ‘your pretty tired huh,” he asked and the rest well I wish I could say was history but sadly it ain’t.

Long story short I got his number but I being the number one advocate for faithfulness intended to keep and never call. I gambled on my three hour flight on weather to call or not, spent an unrealistic amount of time just thinking about my beautiful stranger and what to do with the number.

On arrival I saw the text that started a whole string of emotional cheating. It felt like we were in sync, I don’t know how to describe it but the texts felt natural to me. I connected with him like no other. It was magic for me, a sick addiction that I hopped to never get cured from. I loved him before I met him.

Its insane because he was the kind of guy that would do amazingly sweet things that I craved for.  Text me long hours in the morning and wish me a great day. Take crazy videos when doing dum stuff or simply compliment my horrible hair when it looks like shit. Basically all the corny nonsense my very sensible boyfriend wouldn’t do he did.

I guess that’s why I melted so fast and before I could register what was going on I was in a hotel room with him, hands down and naked doing things that would put perverts to shame. Giving my all to someone I had only met once. In that crazy duration I managed to get a hold of his phone only to find out am not the only one.

He’s smooth from what I gathered on those messages, the best type of  prey that knows the right words to say before going for the kill. One of this many women had gone as far as to put him on her profile picture. I felt like a complete dimwit and sadly knowing all this about him only made me want him more.

I know am an idiot and being a CEO of my own semi successful company I should not need gratification from a man but sadly I do.  I  just feel a constant urge to prove to him that am worthy of him so I seek him out even when he’s clearly avoiding me. I crave for him all the time a sure reason that am insane. I’d literally stop time for him if I could. I guess for the first time in my life I understand Bruno Mars’s Grenade.

LOVE DON’T LOVE ME

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They say you can never love equally and I guess the real meaning didn’t sink in up until recently. My life has been a constant battle with feelings, drugs and sexual frustration. I always thought love is equal and probably the same, If you asked me a few months ago, what is love?  I’d tell you love is the feeling that you cannot live or survive without someone. Some say love is patient and kind, does pick, it does not hate, hurt and its everlasting and pure. So am I a freak when I say my love is the opposite of all this.

Ever since I was a little girl I knew there was something wrong with me. I enjoyed hurting others, it made feel worthy. My battles with self-esteem physical vanity and spiritual confusions resulted in constant hurt based relationships with an overflow of my insecurities. So I guess that’s why am in this hateful relationship now.

Am addicted to my boyfriend if addiction is the best word for it. We have what most would call a volatile self-destructive relationship. The best way to put it is loving him is like driving a fully loaded car at full speed down the hill with a cliff over it. You just know you’ll crush and burn eventually but the feeling is so good you just don’t know how to stop yourself.

Its crazy how things begin calmly, timelessly they grow into things that can’t be excused, an endless web of pain and deception. Statistics state half the women in abusive relationships think it’s their fault. I guess am one of them.  Despite the constant triggers, the regular shouting and the writings on the wall that this relationship is not headed in the directions normal relationship take am still here. Perhaps the proximity of danger turns me on and the writing on the wall that states this is probably not the kind of life I should be living doesn’t register in my little brain. I know I feed of the abuse and to some extent I enjoy getting hurt and so does he. Its messed up and too be honest am not sure if I’ll walk away once the situation turns physical. All I know is am way in too deep, I guess it’s true what they say at times love really does feel like a heart attack. Constant dread of the future and what it has in store for me and him. Its like were seated on a bomb with a ticking timer waiting for when it will eventually blow and put us out of our misery. Maybe then the constant fear and anxiety will blow over and eventually all will be normal and peaceful like how things would have been had I never met him.

My biggest regret in life meeting him on that crazy morning I went to take my sister to school and my biggest fear is losing him all together. I know am crazily invested, obsessed some might say but I literally cannot live without him. It’s safe to say my heads under water but I don’t miss the air.

Am not sure how this love of mine will turn out , perhaps in five or so years will have two point five kids and a dog or will be well relaxed in our coffins. Am willing to take the risk at the end of the day just like Adele states sometimes you win in love but sometimes it hurts instead. I guess you know were I fall on that statement.

 

Hustles of a Kenyan intern

Misgivings and work

So I wake up at 6 am every morning only to seat in traffic for roughly two to two and a half hours. I always try and not complain even when things seem to be too rough but at times situations that best your patience occur. So should I explode and say I’ve had enough or should I let life drag me into turmoil of poor and bad decisions? So maybe I should scream to my boss to pay me more but do I really have time to spend the money? I don’t think so. I should probably tell my workmates to be kinder but how does that help my life. So should I really go on with the lists of what I should do and how they’ll end up flanking in my face? Probably not.

Maybe is the answer I have to this current predicament, Maybe it’s all for nothing or just maybe it has some reward. I guess what really matters is at the end of the day: I get to eat what I love and I get to seat my tired body every day on my couch and watch my favorite TV series every night over a bowl of ice-cream or yoghurt while talking to my loved ones. So in that regard am privileged.

So maybe more blessings are to come or maybe I’ll struggle for life but if at the end of the day I get that one or two hours to do what I like then I can comfortably say I get a reason to look forward to the next day with optiminisim.

I’ve Loved and I’ve lost

When I first laid my eyes on her I knew I was in trouble. It was love at first sight what can I say I was in awe completely smitten by those big brown round eyes. I couldn’t help myself I was desperate and needy and on top of things crazy in love. Maybe her love for me did not develop right away but eventually I could tell she felt the same way from the way she looked at me after a while.

Life’s crazy you know and so was our relationship. Bumpy at times and at times we played in the sun as the sun glimmered on her big brownish blond hair.  I’d yell  at her sometimes  what can I say she drove me crazy.She in turn would cower, run and hide but at the end of the day I knew I would count on her. We always made up mostly from her compromising and acting like the bigger man.

So when she died I guess you can understand why I lost myself. I was heartbroken and on top of things completely lost. I took her for granted, all those times she ran to me when arrived from work battered and tired. For all those times she stood by me when no one could, and how did I repay her I abandoned her when she needed me the most. I knew something was wrong with her that week but I never took the time to find out what. I never bothered to find out what allied her, I just assumed she would be okay after all she always bounced back.

I guess this time she was on her ninth life, there was no bouncing back. My little puppy had finally gone to a better place and for sure if Dog heaven existed I guess she;s looking down on me. So that’s how I lost the love of my life and to be honest I don’t think I’ll be bouncing back soon.

Someone once told me we keep pets for love and cows for milk. I get the logic now. Am cut raw and let bleeding. I know guilt is just a phase in grief. We always feel like we could have done something but at the end of the day everything that has a begging comes to an end. Its just hard accepting that.

So at the end of the day I want you to Know if you had a twin which you probably did I would still pick you. Living without you will be difficult but I’ll carry you in my heart until we meet again.

RIP POPPY 2004-201668a9c682a1043aed524982623bc7772a

How to lie to men your beautiful

If there’s something every woman likes is to be recognized as, its beautiful. Believe me when I say the worst thing you can do to a woman or basically anyone is call them ugly. I bet only reason  your here is because the tittle made you think this article is more interesting than it really is, so lets get down to the  tips on how to lie to men your beautiful.

  1. Makeup is a girls best friend 

I know One Direction and the endless array of boy-bands that have emphasized on beauty existing without makeup but, I like to believe that is an urban myth. So forget Alicia Keys and her crazy no makeup movement and be a cut above the rest. Contour and highlight your face daily if possible and once in a while tune things up to keep things interesting. Statistics prove that girls without makeup as at best considered cute  so unless your Selma Hayek ensure you pound your face up two to three times a day.

 

 

2. Waist Train all the way

When you look  in the mirror and see that extra mass that you detest don’t run to the gym and eat leaves, invest in a waist trainer. There’s a lot that comes with the illusion of being fit starting with motivation to get fit. Its hard trying to feel fit when results come after four weeks. A waist trainer on the other hand gives overnight transformations which in all total honesty are my favorite kind. So the next time you want to look sexy wrap the damn thing around your waist wear your favorite body-con and go out there and find yourself your dream man who has no clue what truly lies underneath.

 

3. Lace front wigs and clip in hair pieces

I wouldn’t advise anyone to be seen in public without masses of long luscious hair.  The best if not the most advisable way to impress men is to have what others  don’t have. If you don’t have it who says you are not allowed to fake it. So when you need a little self esteem boost or you need to be appreciated more go down to www.aliexpress.com and invest in hair. Get that lovely sixteen inch Mongolian hair or 26′ lace wig and trust me you’ll have a number of vain men after you.

 

 

4. Fake personality

No one likes a bitch and if your as vain as I am there’s a 90% chance that you are one. So best way to look attractive is have a good personality and go for the minimalist dress code. So if your inner bitch tries to get out tame it. at the end of the day the only thing that matters is truly how beautiful you are on the inside. So fake inner beauty all the way.

 

Things I’ve cried about this week (happy tears)

Am a sucker for anything sappy mostly because I tear up at everything. Recently a group of my friends deiced to gang up on me and state all the stupid things I’ve cried about in the past week. Here’s the top three list

  1. My Dogs Recovery   –  I happen to have this beautiful terrier mix dog that is just  adorable. If you don’t believe me ask for pics, like seriously one look and am sure you’ll be a goner. She contracted a stomach infection recently and I was so scared I literally started crying. My boyfriend is used to this craziness and he constantly kept telling me everything will be alright. So on Monday morning I woke up and she was alright, fully recovered and back to normal eating habits. When I called him to inform him I cried so hard he literally thought the dog died. So maybe am overly emotional but given my other dog had just died I believe I get a pass this time.
  2. My fathers decision to sell all the cows   –   I hate cows, almost everything about them disgust me, straight from the annoying moo sounds to the hugeness and the funky smell they spread around. Given that you can imagine how happy I was when my father deiced to sell all the cows in the farm and instead built a resort there. I was so ecstatic I literally cried.
  3. My cousins unexpected pregnancy  –  Barrenness is a condition that haunts me almost everyday. My inability to give birth has being a huge weight on my shoulders and sadly one that I cannot get rid of. Funny thing though is am sure I don’t want a child but the option of getting children someday  is something I wish I could have. Hard to explain but not impossible to understand I hope. My cousin Beatrice had been walking in the same shoes with me for years, Married four more than five years I guess her time finally came. Tthe endless hours in fertility clinics finally bore real results. And I cried after hearing the news. Mostly because it gave me hope.

HIV/AIDS Africa and Volunteers

Everyday I pop into my bathroom for a hot shower and proceed to eat a hearty breakfast. At times I complain when the maid deliveries wakes up late and t times I skip breakfast and instead opt for the two or so more minutes of sleep. Why am I writing this you ask? its because up until recently I never knew how privileged I was.

Am privileged because I am born to the upper middle class. Maybe not the very top crust but definitely the top that gets to have an option and an array of choices. The crust that gets to live its dreams despite its many less than perfect moments. Lucy on the other hand is not so privileged. Born to a reckless father and a HIV positive mother shes what I can call unlucky. Shes the most beautiful if not the kindest hearted little girl I have ever  met. Her skin is flawless to core and her hair so bright that it hides the disease that flows in her veins. She lives in a home now but before that she could not get education or even three meals a day.

Her mother died when she was just two. Unaware of her positive status she breastfeed her and unfortunately she contracted the disease, Her father was so reckless he never sought drugs for her or even bothered to educate her. It took two years for her rescuers to come and by then she was thin and too frail to continue. So by the grace of God or whatever higher power watched over her she recovered but never to the extent of becoming negative. Shes living a better life now, has that hot shower that I long for but carries the disease within her. Every time I look at her am thankful shes alive but am not sure that she is.

Shes constantly asking me what I think of her situation, If really she deserves to pay for her parents transgressions. Deep down I know the disease will always burden her and most of it all I know it was ever her fault but what can I say? ‘am sorry ‘ doesn’t even count in this scenario. Its hard to realize how lucky we are until life shows us that things could really be worse and theres nothing we can do about it.

I think of all the other Lucy’s that didn’t get saved and I tell her she may not know this but she too is one of the lucky ones because really she got her silver lining . So I urge her to be hopeful and to hold on to that hope because in time things will get better.

So to all those homes that rescue little girls like Lucy thank you. Its because of you that all this kids can see tomorrow. Its because of you that am inspired to be a better person. Its really because of you that I have Lucy in my life. So thank you for your work and may everyday you live be better than the last.