LOVE DON’T LOVE ME

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They say you can never love equally and I guess the real meaning didn’t sink in up until recently. My life has been a constant battle with feelings, drugs and sexual frustration. I always thought love is equal and probably the same, If you asked me a few months ago, what is love?  I’d tell you love is the feeling that you cannot live or survive without someone. Some say love is patient and kind, does pick, it does not hate, hurt and its everlasting and pure. So am I a freak when I say my love is the opposite of all this.

Ever since I was a little girl I knew there was something wrong with me. I enjoyed hurting others, it made feel worthy. My battles with self-esteem physical vanity and spiritual confusions resulted in constant hurt based relationships with an overflow of my insecurities. So I guess that’s why am in this hateful relationship now.

Am addicted to my boyfriend if addiction is the best word for it. We have what most would call a volatile self-destructive relationship. The best way to put it is loving him is like driving a fully loaded car at full speed down the hill with a cliff over it. You just know you’ll crush and burn eventually but the feeling is so good you just don’t know how to stop yourself.

Its crazy how things begin calmly, timelessly they grow into things that can’t be excused, an endless web of pain and deception. Statistics state half the women in abusive relationships think it’s their fault. I guess am one of them.  Despite the constant triggers, the regular shouting and the writings on the wall that this relationship is not headed in the directions normal relationship take am still here. Perhaps the proximity of danger turns me on and the writing on the wall that states this is probably not the kind of life I should be living doesn’t register in my little brain. I know I feed of the abuse and to some extent I enjoy getting hurt and so does he. Its messed up and too be honest am not sure if I’ll walk away once the situation turns physical. All I know is am way in too deep, I guess it’s true what they say at times love really does feel like a heart attack. Constant dread of the future and what it has in store for me and him. Its like were seated on a bomb with a ticking timer waiting for when it will eventually blow and put us out of our misery. Maybe then the constant fear and anxiety will blow over and eventually all will be normal and peaceful like how things would have been had I never met him.

My biggest regret in life meeting him on that crazy morning I went to take my sister to school and my biggest fear is losing him all together. I know am crazily invested, obsessed some might say but I literally cannot live without him. It’s safe to say my heads under water but I don’t miss the air.

Am not sure how this love of mine will turn out , perhaps in five or so years will have two point five kids and a dog or will be well relaxed in our coffins. Am willing to take the risk at the end of the day just like Adele states sometimes you win in love but sometimes it hurts instead. I guess you know were I fall on that statement.

 

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