They say you never miss a good thing till its gone. I guess am a true example of that saying I never appreciated the life I had until I almost lost it.
All my friends believe it was a X that drove me to it but in all total honesty it was probably them that caused it. Not to sound all thirteen reasons why but genuinely they probably would have done something to prevent it.
X is the love of my life, literally I would take a bullet for him, Your probably wondering why am saying this given I have a countless array of sugar daddies at my beck and call. Am saying this because its the truth I value my relationship with him more than anything. So they day he decided to end things, I was shattered mostly because I knew it was my fault.
M, was the cause of all my grief. They say in newtons laws of motion a collision
For every force there is a reaction force that is equal in size, but opposite in direction. That is to say that whenever an object pushes another object it gets pushed back in the opposite direction equally hard. I guess I pushed her and she in turn pushed back harder. The collision only ended up hurting me because she was the stronger force at hand.
To understand this I would have to start from the beginning. Here is an excerpt from my online journal that I wrote to her after my suicide attempt. I did not give to her mostly because it didn’t matter anymore I’d pieced my life back and was never going to turn back.
You were always part of my inner circle up until you became a loud mouth and spread things about someone I cared about. You for one knew the one thing that I hate the most is dealing with people who hurt other people. So when I confronted you about it you sidelined me started hanging out with other people and chose to ignore me. I thought you’d end things there like I did you but you were planing on sneaking up on me and truly hurt me when I had all my amour down. I confided with you about my exploits and crazy dates. Showed you a tone of my pictures and even on occasion went out with you, my mistake. I trusted you a little too much. I should have known better because you were the first to send me to the wolves when the time stoke. I genuinely loved you as a friend maybe even more than that but you betrayed me. Sold out all my secrets and embarrassed me. You hurt me, ruined me and destroyed the one thing that I ever loved beyond you. I do believe in Karma and that’s the only reason I choose to forgive you because one day, you’ll realize the full impact of your actions.
I remember going to class that morning thinking all was fine. Actually, looking forward to having a better day only to be welcomed by pity stares and mummers. I wish I had ignored everyone that day. What I would give to God to take me back and stop me from waking up that morning. When I found out I kept quiet and waited for the worst to fall over. X tried talking to me but I ignored him because I knew he would break up with me and spoiler alert he did.
In a rush of insanity I went home initially I planned to calm myself down, maybe go for a jog and get out of school for a while but my mum had other things in mind. She literally sent me to my room for skipping school. I felt alone frustrated and desperate. My mind kept rotating and I let the desperation get the best of me. Without thinking twice I took a razor blade and slush my left wrist something I regret to this very day. It was a rushed decision and a stupid one at that but at that time it felt right. For a minute I was glad, all my problems were over. I was finally free, all those basic bitches like M could continue living their pathetic lives without me as an object of torture. Then sense rushed back and I realized all I had ahead. I was fourteen for Christ sake, my problems were temporally at best. So I screamed.
“Lucy!!!!” I could hear my sister but only for a brief second before I passed out.
I remember waking up at the hospital my family and even X were there looking at me. No one spoke and I don’t blame them. I understood them a little too well. What do you say to a girl who has just tried to commit suicide ‘Thank God your alive’ when your not sure if she’s even glad to be. They choose to remain quiet but the silence spoke volumes.
At times people make stupid decisions based on the rush of the moment. I for one had no real intention of killing myself but at that very moment I wanted to die. I felt so frustrated and alone to the extent of thinking only death would solve my problems. So if you ever feel like your drowning talk to someone at times it may just save your life.